Do you remember when you first met your partner and you were starry-eyed with passion and love? Fast forward to now when you have a family, job and 101 commitments. Do you still look at your loved one and want to spend time with them in the same lustful way or would you rather an early night and a cup of hot chocolate? Here’s some ideas why and how to keep the passion alive despite having loads of children…
YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE KIDS
Do you remember when you were young, free and single. You met your Mr Right (let’s call him that for ease although I know Mr Right is different for everyone!).
You spent time together, savouring these moments when it felt like no one else existed in the world. You couldn’t think of anything else but him and you felt like the most special and luckiest girl in the world when you were with him. You felt beautiful, treasured, wanted and fantastic!
You could be together whenever you wanted and for as long as you wanted with only a few, if any, commitments getting in the way and standing between you.
Your relationship blossomed, you became a partnership.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER KIDS
That was the end of passion, intimacy, even just being able to have more than a five-minute conversation seems pretty much impossible sometimes, let alone anything more!
Intimacy and being close is not just about sex, it means enjoying each other’s company, liking and loving each other, having a cuddle, giving each other thought and time, connecting and engaging, sharing moments and learning new stuff together.
But since having kids you don’t spend so much time together. You don’t talk as much. You don’t get the chance to enjoy each other’s company. You don’t have the energy or the appetite for intimacy and passion like you used to because you’ve been at work all day and managing the children for the rest of it. You don’t feel good about yourself any more and haven’t even washed your hair for days, so you wonder how would your partner even begin to find you attractive?
It’s very normal to get like this, but it’s time to put the magic back into your relationship! A word of warning though – you’ll probably just need to accept that you can’t be as spontaneous as you used to be. Even passion might need a bit more planning and forethought, whether you’re in the mood or not!
WHY YOU SHOULD KEEP THE PASSION ALIVE
Firstly, in case you need a reminder, here are some reasons why you need to keep the flame of passion burning
- Your family is built on firm foundations – if you have a strong, stable and close relationship with your other half then you’re more likely to stand the test of time and be stronger in times of trouble.
- It’s a good example for your kids to see – your kids will grow up understanding and expecting that you need to work at relationships – they don’t just happen, and they certainly don’t last without showing love, respect and compassion for each other.
- Keep in tune with your partner – as our circumstances change so do we. You and your partner are a team and it’s vital that you stay on the same wavelength by discussing anything and everything – from what you did that day, to where you’d like to be in 30 years’ time. Discuss the big and the bold, the unimportant and insignificant. It all helps you to keep up the bond of love and friendship that brought you together in the first place.
- Feel better about yourself – enabling you and your partner to have some quality time together and making an effort to do so will help encourage you to make an effort all round including for yourself. You might not want to go full-on glam, but it may mean you wash you hair, slap on some mascara and lip gloss and climb out of your joggers and into some nice jeans. You’ll feel better if you think you look better and when you feel better your whole outlook on life will change. You become more confident, positive and ready for anything.
- Something to look forward to – do you sometimes feel you’re on a hamster wheel – always on the go, but never really getting anywhere. One days seems very much like another and there’s no prospect of anything exciting on the horizon. That’s not to say that you’re not happy with what you’ve got (remember minimalism is all about making your wants and needs few and appreciating what you’ve already got). But, everyone needs a bit of excitement now and then! So, imagine if you could wave fairy dust over your calendar and create a slice of time each week to do something exciting for just you and Mr Right.
- A reminder that you’re a grown-up – sometimes you just need grown up company – colleagues at work, mums at coffee mornings. Chatting with the kids does not count!
- A reminder that you are more than just a Mum – although it’s the most important job in the world, your identity is more than just being a Mum. You are your own person, with your own dreams and aspirations, talents and experiences. You are special and deserve to be recognised and cherished for your uniqueness. Being with your Mr Right, who chose to be with YOU and no-ne else, will lift your spirits, build your confidence and remind you that you are YOU.
So, you’ve read some reasons why, but you now might be stuck in working out HOW to keep the flame of passion burning when you’ve got loads of kids and no space or time!
10 DATE IDEAS FOR YOU AND MR RIGHT
- Date night in – If you can’t get childcare then arrange to do something at home instead. Have your favourite food and drink, get some flowers on the table and music in the background. Pretend you’re in a lovely restaurant and, for once, leaving the washing up until tomorrow!
- Date night out – If you can get childcare then make the most of it! Get dressed up and hit the town, even if you are back home and in bed by 9.30pm! Enjoy each other’s company and try not to talk about your children
- Date morning – If date nights are too difficult to arrange then try the morning instead. Get up early before the children are awake and chat about anything over a cup of coffee
- Talk regularly – Make a habit of talking regularly. Communication is key to a great relationship and it’s easy to get so caught up in daily life that we forget to prioritise talking. Show the kids that you both care enough to want to listen to each other and teach them not to interrupt until it’s their turn
- Go for a drive and let the kids watch a movie – Get the kids settled in the back of the car with a film and snacks and just go for a drive so you can chat. It’s probably not the time for a deep and meaningful conversation but definitely better than nothing!
- Put the kids to bed early – A good one if you’ve been struggling to find time and peace to chat. The kids won’t necessarily thank you for it and especially not if you do it too often but remember you’re the parent and what you say goes!
- Allow the kids to have a film afternoon – Let the kids hang out for a couple of hours in front of a film they love. Let them have snacks and drinks so it’s a fun and special treat for them and they won’t mind if you get some peace and quiet to hang out just the two of you in another room
- Book childcare if you’re desperate
- The little things count as much as the big things – This is where it’s the thought that counts. It won’t actually create space for you to spend time together, but it will make each of you feel loved and special! Leave a post-it note in his lunchbox saying you love him, or send him a loving text during the day. Hopefully you’ll get the same in return. It’s better than a text telling him he forgot to put the rubbish out again (or maybe you have to send that one as well!)
- Plan a night away (or a weekend if you can manage it) – To rekindle that passion and take you out of your normal, every day life. I know it’s not possible for everyone but it’s good to set goals!
Here are some other blog posts I’ve written which you might find helpful…
- Four reasons why Mums should feel great about themselves
- 15 easy ways to make yourself feel better
- How to simplify your calendar and be more intentional with your time